it's been so cold lately. but i'll take it for the sunny days. thank god for the sun.

i'm having trouble maintaining weight these days, aka. i'm not, which is not ideal i guess but i can't be bothered to care. it all started when i found out that r. was "in love" with that stupid other girl. i just lost my appetite and for someone with an eating disorder that's kind of bad. because if a normal person goes a few days without really eating much, they end up really hungry. if i go a few days without really eating much... i just want to go more. and more. once the weight starts coming off it's just so addictive. most of the time i can fight it or something in me rallies but these last few weeks have really battered me and i'm not bouncing back.

it's bothersome because i'm not really sure how much is "enough". like - i know what is considered adequate intake for someone my age, size and activity level. but how little can i get away with and still be getting away with anything. when does it become just really not enough.

i'm a bit worried as well that it has gone on for so long now. my original reasons for losing weight are not even all that valid anymore (as though they ever were) and so today i tried to convince myself that it shouldn't matter anymore and i should stop being ridiculous and eat a normal meal but i guess i realized then that the normal meal is no longer an option at this point. which means i'm going to have to fight it. and i don't have it in me right now.

i'm trying to frame this in my own mind as just that i no longer eat very much. not as a relapse. just as a personality quirk or something like that. viewing it as a relapse is unhelpful and unproductive as i don't want to identify as a sick person. just someone who has a small appetite and is extremely picky. seems much less pathetic.

i don't know why i'm even writing about this. it's just that i haven't been this absorbed by my... preferences in several years and it's terrifying in some ways but in other ways it just feels like i'm home.