you could have it so much better.

happy 4th of july!

so for the last week, i have talked a lot about what i've done and who i've seen and what i've consumed and all that. and that's great because it gives you a broader idea of who i am, if you care. but not a lot about what i'm feeling, and i think that's also important. so i'm going to focus on that right now because i feel like it. see? see what i did there? yeah.

well, shock/horror, i am still totally conflicted over what to do re: stay vs. go. this has been a common theme of this blog over the last two years. part of me would like to stay, part of me desperately wants to go. sometimes they're equal parts, other times they're totally off balance. the main issue is this: i don't want to ditch my life again. at least... not for something familiar.

i would be ok with throwing it all away for some awesome year in france or finland or something. but to move back to toronto, to this built-in domestic lifestyle, it scares the shit out of me and i'm not positive that it's what i want. not ALways positive. sometimes i am. and then other times it feels like i want to crawl out of my skin and run in the other direction.

god this is so boring, isn't it, this constant back and forth. i don't know what to tell you, i mean, i thought for sure i'd have decided by now and made a move in either direction. but, no, still in limbo. everyone still thinks i'm coming home but no concrete plans have been made. terrified to back out. people counting on me. etc. etc.

maybe i just need to fuck it all and actually move to france. or england. or denmark. or wherever.

what's more important to me, domesticity and family, or adventure? i really don't know. and why can't i have both? but i can't and that sucks and it's terrible and horrible and unfair. but life's not fair, who said it was. but it should be! it fucking should be and i'm still stuck and i'm still paralyzed and i'm still horrified and i'm still pissed that i've paid my therapist so much money but i'm still an idiot. and i guess that's just how it goes.

i made brunch today. it was fun. bennies, champagne, it was decadent. then we took a nap. i normally hate naps. but it was nice today. i think i needed the downtime. now i'm trying to decide if i should go out tonight or not and leaning towards not.

cross your fingers that something happens soon.