i'm starting to believe that there are several different versions (at least three) of myself... that all live inside this tiny head... causing turmoil and wreaking havoc on this delicate little life that i've worked so hard to build.
at any given time, i am so so so so sure of what i want, and what i must do to achieve it. but inevitably - hours, days, weeks, months will pass, and it will be something completely opposite. often they are even mutually exclusive!
"yes, i definitely want to keep moving all around the world. and i never want to be married or have children."
vs.
"yes, i definitely want to move home and be married. and start a family."
sometimes it's like, variations on the same theme, though. like:
"yes, i definitely want to stay here and marry t." vs. "yes, i definitely want to move home and marry i."
and then there's the b. version of that but who even cares about that now. i'll likely never even speak to him again.
i just like. i want to feel the same way about something, ANYthing, long enough to just fucking do it.
right now my feelings for t. are so strong, and i really don't know where this has come from. it's a problem as he is not my boyfriend and probably does not really want to be? it's also a problem in that he has a lot of issues that i really do not want to deal with long term, and i do not think he is willing to work on them.
there are just so many reasons why this is a problem, really.
still, i think i need to speak with him about it. i'm terrified that leaving him is the wrong thing to do. it felt so right to me once upon a time. we took such a huge risk to be together. it fell apart but i think that kind of pressure can kill almost anything.
ideally, this will be the last time we speak of it.
he'll laugh and remind me why it's a terrible idea. he'll tell me it's not what he wants. that it would never work.
and then at least it can be on his head.
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