you can turn the city upside down,

like an umbrella ...

i don't know, i felt shitty today. i'm not sure why. probably residue from last weekend. which sucks because all week i have been looking forward to recreating last weekend as well as i can, arts and crafts, cut and paste, me + computer but - other people ... but after today i don't think i should. i might not be in the right frame of mind.

the weather is shit. total bullshit. it's meant to be summer, and it's dark, cold, rainy. gray. i mean i don't mind that weather in the winter, fine. and yeah i was glad that it rained yesterday for a change. but like ok -- this is vancouver. it rains here, a lot. a lot a lot. and that part of the year where it turns to 'rain all the time rain -- it's now going to rain all the time! for months! clap your hands and stab your face!' is kind of intense, you know? so like, three days of rain and i'm kind of like, feeling that intensity a bit. oh yeah also it's because i am a really, holy shit intense type of person. so i guess i am always feeling some kind of intensity. bottom line: i'm not loving life today.

the highlight of today was sitting in a food court, alone, drinking miso soup on an empty stomach. oh yeah no i had sushi too, but like, you have to finish your soup before you eat the sushi. (cream cheese roll -- no i am not joking, you so wish you were me.) anyway the soup. it was so warm and just really salty and perfect. it was exactly what i needed. warmed me up from the inside out. i forgot all about the weird hobo in the liquor store with the bleeding nose. for like at least five minutes.

i just feel really like, unwanted or something, and i don't even care? which is weird because ordinarily feeling like no one loves me or wants me around would make my skin crawl with desperation but for some reason today i was just like: my boyfriend appears to not really care if we talk, my best friend 'needs space' (which just means that he is having trouble accepting the fact that i am officially not dating him, which just means that i am not allowed to call him to hang out when i feel like it anymore, i'm supposed to wait for him to call me. which. i think is pretty gay). my family is a million miles away and to be honest there's not much comfort there most of the time anyway ... and so i guess that's it. i just wish i had someone close by who i felt really wanted me around.

and if it could just stop fucking raining i would maybe feel a bit better.

well here comes another long weekend where i don't pick up my phone, ignore everyone i know and hide inside my tiny apartment getting drunk.

yeah it really is a wonder why i don't have more friends ...