so lucky

yeah, so, like it says, i am soooooooooo lucky.

i'm so lucky that i got him back after all that's happened.

i really, really don't deserve it but i'm not going to mess it up this time.

tonight i walked down to english bay with my friend j. j. and i have quite the um history ourselves, but we've become good friends and i really enjoy his company and he seems to enjoy mine. anyhow we got to talking about his ex-wife's 30th birthday coming up soon. i guess they're having a party for her in vegas. which, ok, whatever, not really my thing but i can see the appeal i suppose.

he said, "well, you know, she's making a really big deal of it, she wants everything to be perfect, but it's understandable, i mean, it's her 30th, it's a big deal, mine was a big deal too ... " etc.

and i said, "yeah that's not really my thing. i don't really do big celebrations for birthdays, typically, i don't like all the fuss. for my 30th, (which, btw, will be about a year and a half from now) all i want is my family, i., and our weiner dog. it would be nice to be engaged by then ... "

and i really, really meant it. to be honest, i'd love to be pregnant (for real, this time) by then, too, but i guess i would rather be married first and that's really pushing it time-wise. we will make the cutest babies, you really have no idea. and he is going to be such a good dad ...

i just can't wait to ... be with him. like to be making progress in our life together. i feel sometimes like i'm wasting time here even though i know i'm not.

yeah, it's going to be awesome when it all comes together. i just have to be patient.