spotless.

how is it that i have the cleanest living space of anyone i know, yet i can still spend an entire day making it cleaner.

on the bright side, it smells amazing in here! i bought this apricot candle a couple of weeks ago, from some snotty store in yaletown. the one i wanted was much nicer but it also cost $40 more AND happened to be a scent that i will probably always associate with an ex i no longer speak to, sooooo ... i went with the apricot. so the smell of the candle mixed with the apple cleaner that i got at shopper's drug mart ( which, by the way, is biodegradeable, clearly i am captain enviro!) and the dryer wafting those lovely downy dryer sheets (i miss my liquid softener but ... my washer does not tell me when to put it in and well ... i am dumb and don't know ) is so yummy. i can't wait to crawl into bed in under my nice clean sheets.

ahhhhh ... laundry.

but anyway.

last week got away from me. work was retarded. wait no. i was retarded. ok.

friday night i went out with a couple of co-workers. well, one of them is no longer a co-worker as of friday, so it was kind of a goodbye thing for him. it was fun! a really weird night though. lots of really strange sexual tension. we got too drunk. i am never drinking with co-workers again. i always say that but this time i really mean it. it's going to be hard to work with a. now that she's told me she wants to make out with me and you know, passed out with her head on my shoulder. W E I R D.

the rest of the weekend was pretty boring. i'm super broke ( as usual ... ) i kind of don't care though, i'm good at amusing myself. at least i found some new music.

what is on my mind right now is: what the fuck am i doing.

here are my current priorities:

1. find a job where i am not someone's assistant;
2. get my fucking driver's license, get SERIOUS, it's enough at this point; and
3. figure out where i want to be living in five months.

number three is very much dependent on number one.

i am running circles in my head trying to figure this all out. i don't know if i want to stay here? but i don't know where else to go? i don't want to go home, really, do i? it would be so hard to leave again. the last time was really hard. maybe if i went with the express purpose of saving up some cash to go somewhere else, it would not be so tough. i just don't know.

my friend shelley and i had an awesome conversation today about emotional maturity and how you get what you put out there coming back at you. it is so so so true. in the last several months i have been putting so much effort into being authentic ( with some very noteable sidetracks ... ) and i've realized so much. now i just have to spend more time implementing it.

tomorrow hopefully i will be back at the gym and back on track at work a little bit.

sometimes i feel like life is much harder for me than it is for most people. i wonder if that is true, or if i am just lazier. i suppose there is no way of knowing.

time for bed.