oh, and you think you know alone.

so i did not really do all the things on my list from yesterday. i did, however, take pictures of my apartment, like i said that i would, and here they are. so i hope you like them. not that anyone will be looking. but whatever, i said i would do it. something to be said for accountability, i suppose.

so today i am feeling kind of emo and like ... lonely. which is weird, because i rarely feel that way. but lately i have really realized that i don't have any friends here anymore.

i half-assedly tried to be friends with some of tobe's friends, but never really clicked with any of them beyond a very surface level. not sure why. it's ok. then there were some guys that i dated that i either stopped talking to or who stopped talking to me [ MARK! i'm talking to YOU! haha ... ] mostly because i'm lazy and i have trouble maintaining anything less than a deep connection. then there was motorcycle dave, who was really my only friend that i made all on my own out here. i won't get into what happened with him. haha. i guess we are technically still friends, since we still e-mail every couple of weeks or whatever. but i'm not his biggest fan, let's just say that. oh and becky ... i was awful to her. let's not talk about that either.

at least i still have tobe. but i often toy with cutting him off. at least for a while. sometimes i feel like he is holding me back with the intensity of our friendship. it's getting better though, always getting better. two steps forward and one step back.

and so i have come to the conclusion that i suck at life. well, i suck at making friends. most of the time i don't need them, though, and arguably i never need them the way that most people do. so it's hard. it's not that i dislike people ... well sometimes it is. but often it is just that i can't be bothered to put the effort in, because the suckiness of having to do that outweighs the benefits of having someone around.

tonight the people in the apartment next to me had a party, i guess. some people over. loud music. lots of laughter and drunkenness. i felt so jealous and a little bit sad. oh well.

and like i think it would not be so bad if i at least had my family around. but, i don't.

oh, woe.

note to self: must make friends or leave.

toronto: 1; vancouver: 0