and again.

and i did come back. i doubt that this will be "amazing" but i am hoping that it will be useful to me to get some of this out.



i'm _really struggling with this stay-or-go-syndrome. i don't know how else to put it.



everyday i go back and forth making "for _sure for sure" decisions by the hour. i feel like both toronto and vancouver have equal pull right now and it's so hard to know what will be right for me. i'm so terrible at making decisions.



in my gifted classes in elementary school they had us make these weird charts to make decisions. they called them PMIs. you'll see why in a second. i have actually used them every once in a while since then to help me see both sides of something, because while i usually don't have a lot of trouble being objective, i have a lot of trouble picking one.



here is a PMI for my most current dilemma. i will base it on staying in vancouver. ok:



P (here is where we list the plusses of staying in vancouver)



this city is mine. most of my family and friends do not live here nor have they ever lived here. that means it's sort of special just for me. i know this probably sounds stupid, but it makes me feel good in a way.



it is an amazing city and it's getting more amazing all the time. no, but it really is. when i first moved here i felt that this place was so devoid of culture. and it's still not another toronto, but it's honestly getting better and better. i've noticed a difference even in the year since i moved here. and i mean -- i am not a nature person, but you can't beat vancouver in terms of beauty. i can see the ocean and the mountains from my office. i've never lived in a place like this and it's a huge draw. having natural beauty surround me is very calming in ways that i expected it would be. i would most certainly miss it.



i LOVE my neighbourhood. this is, without a doubt, the coolest place i have ever lived. seriously. i'm not sure where in toronto would compare, and i am betting that if there was somewhere, i could not afford to live in a space like this there.



the weather. theoretically, it does not snow in vancouver. it is also not nearly as humid here in the summers as it is back home, and very rarely tops 30 degrees celsius. this is actually pretty huge.



i'm away from my parents. they're nuts and they depress me more than almost anything else.



i can buy furniture and sort of settle in a bit.



M (these will be the minuses)



i'm away from my parents. i don't HATE them. they're just nuts. of course i miss them sometimes, and i really worry about my mother. and feel terrible that she's alone, i know she misses me so much. ugh i am a horrible person.



i can't really save any money here. if i moved home, i could save up a bunch of cash and use it for anything, i guess. school, travel, whatever.

and i

i never finished this entry but i'm posting it as a draft, because no one will read it, but i might come back to it one day and find it useful.