NYE

so, it's new year's eve, once again.

this was a very interesting year for me. never a dull moment. i can't say i was really ever bored, and coming from me, that's pretty huge. i once said though that boredom is what gets me into trouble and i still managed to find lots of it this year so i guess i was wrong about that.

the last six months especially were quite tumultuous. i'm unfortunately and against my better judgement still heartbroken over the way things worked out with r. (mostly due to the fact that we're no longer friends, and i would have made it so easy for him to fix that but he doesn't care and that really hurts). but i guess you can't tell yourself how to feel, as hard and as often as i try. and trust me, i really do try hard and often.

i'm heading into 2010 with no compass, no map, into uncharted territory. last year i did a lot of work on myself but i still have SO far to come. it's taken me until very recently to see what it is that i need to do but now that i'm aware i feel ready. sort of. i'm a bit scared but i know what changes need to be made and i'm really ready to make them.

this may be the year where i run away for a while, but i've decided that that's ok as long as i do it responsibly. if you can run away responsibly. which i think you can, actually, and i'll figure out how when the time comes.

in the next few days i have to figure out how to tell i. that it's over forever. i'm not in love with him, despite my very best efforts, and i never will be. it is hurting both of us to hang onto hope that it will one day work out, i'll come back and it will all be ok and we'll have this wonderful future together. i won't, and we won't. if i try, i know i'll cheat on him, and i'll eventually leave, and what would be the point of that. i know because i've done it before.

it's hard because i do love him and have genuine affection for him but that's really all. it would be so nice to have it all wrapped up in a tiny perfect package with a bow. he's offering me the perfect life aside from the fact that it would be without passion. it's hard to pass up, it has been hard to pass up, but i can't settle for that. i've learned that i am the kind of person who needs the passion.

so, i will face 2010 without my safety net. i feel like it's my only choice. it's terrifying but i have to have faith that it will all be ok. i feel like if i keep putting in the work, it will be.

happy new year.