a lack of colour?

so right now, anxiety is at an all time high. well it feels All Time? a little bit i'm paralyzed.

the exam finished at 2pm today. i came home, had a drink, did some reading, and pretty much napped for a couple of hours. yes -- i said nap. i had a NAP. i don't nap. i'm very much a "sleep when you're dead" sort of person.

and so now, i'm sitting in my bed, half dressed and half not so much, and i can't seem to get out of it. i feel this almost overwhelming desire to consume something although i don't want to drink more, and i'm not hungry. which means that to consume either would be a waste of time and money and honestly i can't think of what else i'd even conceivably be desiring.

maybe i'm just feeling empty...

this is strange behaviour for me.

to try and motivate myself to get up and get something, literally anything done tonight, i resorted to reading the journal of someone i admire but am extremely jealous of. usually reading about her life seems to light a fire somewhere important inside of me, even if it tends to be unpleasant (as before i feel inspired i just feel... envious). today i just learned things about her that made her seem, in my estimation, less extraordinary and more, sort of, average. little things that i guess i'd never noticed before. or didn't want to notice, or weren't as obvious, or something. either way: disappointing.

i would probably feel better if my boyfriend would answer that text... or call like he said he was going to...

alright. that's it.