this has been bubbling up for weeks now, but for some reason an episode of gossip girl, a bloc party song, and a clipped phone conversation have finally motivated me to get it out.
i don't know what i'm doing, and i'm fucking terrified.
life is so short. does everyone, honestly, get a shot at being happy?
not just like ... passably happy, content, getting by, drowning out the unfulfilled parts of your life and soldiering on. and to where, to what end, anyway.
i know that, obviously, some people will achieve the happiness i'm talking about. or at least i hope. i guess i have no idea. but it seems reasonable, i feel like there are people that i know even who seem at peace with the choices they've made and their lives and where they've been and will likely go.
i used to think that my own happiness depended solely on the perfect x, y or z. for example, finding the perfect partner. i sort of know now that there's really no such thing... you kind of pick someone and go for it. there's no way of knowing who you'll be happy with in five, ten, twenty years. every day, it's a gamble.
i'm so scared to commit to anyone, anything; i'm totally paralyzed right now.
what if i make the wrong choice and i don't know until it's too late to back out. like -- what if i make the wrong choice and by the time i figure it out, i've lost so many years. you can't get them back... opportunities are lost and doors are shut as life progresses.
what if there's not really a right choice. what if it will all result in the same level of, at best, low-grade-misery.
what if i don't choose and just sit here and wait for the answer to become obvious and it never does and i end up with nothing.
what is the POINT of any of this, at all. what difference will it make.
i want to go to sleep and wake up ten years ago.
08 February 2009
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Oh my word...don't be me (me when I was 4-17 and kind of 17-18). I think that living life and getting outside of the walls that you have created yourself is hard (no matter how easy ppl try to make it sound in sentences when they tell you that you just need to move past it). And it is something that will hav to be worked at over time(I'm still working at it, I'm in college trying to figure out how to make friends). And the one thing that I realized is that I don't want to grow old and think back on all the time I wasted or regret my past and wish I would have done things that I didn't. And moving past right now and actively moving toward the future may trip you up a few times, but it is nothing compared to how far it can lift you. So please don't be me(hypothetically of course).
The best way to start is to put yourself in a positively unpleasant situation, like giving a compliment to a complete stranger on their wonderful smile, or great shoes. Or, starting a conversation for no reason but to just make conversation it really help to break the shell(and you can get free gift card out of it...he hee).
Hope this helps.
-Pattie
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