weight lifting.

oh man you know how life is like? like it's two steps forward and then anywhere from 1 - 3 steps back? yeah. i'm becoming pretty ok with that. mostly because i have realized that i have no say in the matter anyway so i might as well ... but whatever the reason, it's a good realization, i think.



here are some things that i like these days:



1. i'm very happy that i e-mailed b. after running into him on the weekend and was honest about my feelings. what did i lose? nothing -- it's not like we were friends anyhow! and what did i gain, well, i feel lighter in a way that i can't really describe. i feel suddenly like it's ok if i see him on the street because i can nod and walk away without feeling awkward, because he will understand. i know that i won't randomly get a message from him on msn and then end up crying all night. i know that i can be on certain websites and not wonder when he will try to contact me or look at my profile. i know that he is a good person, and now that i have asked him to leave me alone, he will. as a result, in general, i think i have ended up thinking about him less in the last couple of days. which is good, because that really needs to stop. so tired of that.



2. in a really fucked up way, i guess i'm glad that i had such a bad time of things last week. it really pushed me into seriously trying to make some real [ big ] changes in my life. it also taught me that it is ok to call a friend when you feel like you need to. i'll forget this lesson quickly, watch, i've learned it before. but it's so funny, you know, the different ways that some people react to bad situations. i know people who pick up the phone when they're feeling bad. it's great, and i'm glad that they do. for me -- it's the furthest thing from my mind. the other morning when i was feeling like the world was ending ... a friend came online. you can't imagine how relieved i was to see her pop up. it had not occurred to me that talking could be a way out of that. we chatted over msn for a while and then i called her and we talked for a bit more.

3. i'm posting a three just so that i can get this one published. i wrote it back in september and it's now may, and it's still all true.

that's all!