yeah vancouver!

over my coffee this morning i found this on design sponge:

guide to vancouver ...!!!!!!!

lots of stuff here that i already love and lots more to explore. i've been waiting to see my city here and my dream has now come true.

so this is the new year?

so... we're 10 days into 2010, and while those 10 days have been pretty ok, they haven't been really anything special.

i think i'm going to change up the format of this blog a bit, and start being a bit more open. reading through older posts, it seems like i've been a bit cryptic. that wasn't my intention, but i feel like it needs to change. i feel like i'm not really getting the most out of the journaling experience. so i plan to write more often, and to be more specific about what's going on in my life. for a while, i was afraid that someone i know in real life might be reading this... but now i'm pretty sure that no one really is, so i feel pretty safe to do so.

right now i'm kind of stuck in a bit of a rut, personally and professionally. as i said in my previous post, i've got a lot of stuff to do, both literally and figuratively, and it's not really getting done. there are a lot of reasons for this, including anxiety, fear, and to be honest, some of it is sheer laziness.

it has to stop, though. this work is piling up and it really has to be done before i can move forward with my life, which is all i want to do.

so, i have decided to make a to-do list here of things that i need to accomplish each week. and there will be rewards for completing the list, and consequences for not.

this week i MUST:

deal with credit card fraud

clean my apartment

pay all outstanding bills for january

order cheques

spend one hour a weeknight cleaning out my closet (it's a huge walk-in and is a total disaster. i need to give away like, seven bags of clothes but it takes me forever to decide what to keep and what to get rid of. this is not an unreasonable amount of time and it will probably actually take me more than this to fully complete, sadly)

buy groceries

read at least three chapters of the driver's handbook

spend 30 minutes a weeknight practicing hiragana

go to yoga on wednesday night

run at least three days, one of which should be a 10k

call kim

BONUS TASK:

go to spinning on thursday or friday morning

this week, here's the deal. if i complete all of these tasks, i can buy a new nail polish. if i complete all of these tasks including the bonus task, i can buy a new blush. if i do not complete the tasks, i can't buy any coffee/tea on the weekend. that maybe doesn't sound like a huge deal, but believe me -- it is.

i also have to make it to work early tomorrow, because i have to leave early for an awesome facial at skoah. such a fantastic indulgence.

this will be a busy week! i'm looking forward to it.

NYE

so, it's new year's eve, once again.

this was a very interesting year for me. never a dull moment. i can't say i was really ever bored, and coming from me, that's pretty huge. i once said though that boredom is what gets me into trouble and i still managed to find lots of it this year so i guess i was wrong about that.

the last six months especially were quite tumultuous. i'm unfortunately and against my better judgement still heartbroken over the way things worked out with r. (mostly due to the fact that we're no longer friends, and i would have made it so easy for him to fix that but he doesn't care and that really hurts). but i guess you can't tell yourself how to feel, as hard and as often as i try. and trust me, i really do try hard and often.

i'm heading into 2010 with no compass, no map, into uncharted territory. last year i did a lot of work on myself but i still have SO far to come. it's taken me until very recently to see what it is that i need to do but now that i'm aware i feel ready. sort of. i'm a bit scared but i know what changes need to be made and i'm really ready to make them.

this may be the year where i run away for a while, but i've decided that that's ok as long as i do it responsibly. if you can run away responsibly. which i think you can, actually, and i'll figure out how when the time comes.

in the next few days i have to figure out how to tell i. that it's over forever. i'm not in love with him, despite my very best efforts, and i never will be. it is hurting both of us to hang onto hope that it will one day work out, i'll come back and it will all be ok and we'll have this wonderful future together. i won't, and we won't. if i try, i know i'll cheat on him, and i'll eventually leave, and what would be the point of that. i know because i've done it before.

it's hard because i do love him and have genuine affection for him but that's really all. it would be so nice to have it all wrapped up in a tiny perfect package with a bow. he's offering me the perfect life aside from the fact that it would be without passion. it's hard to pass up, it has been hard to pass up, but i can't settle for that. i've learned that i am the kind of person who needs the passion.

so, i will face 2010 without my safety net. i feel like it's my only choice. it's terrifying but i have to have faith that it will all be ok. i feel like if i keep putting in the work, it will be.

happy new year.

unceasing

The way you make me feel, I am at a loss for words. Speechless. Breathless. You are truly unlike any woman I have ever met. Your passion, vigor, and hunger for life and love is astonishing. You make me want to be a better man.
You may not be mine right now, but I will never forget what we have, or once had, and what will continue to be in the future.
Never forget me, for I will never forget you.
You are unceasing in my heart.
I will find you....
I love you.

-random craigslist missed connection post

this is what i want someone to write for me. i need to become the person that inspires these words.

where to start?

making space

[source]

i can't tell you how cool it feels to say that i'm a non-drinker.

it has been over three months now since i quit. it is the best feeling ever.

i love never waking up and wondering what happened the night before. i love never having to deal with ridiculous situations that i created while drunk. i love saying what i mean all the time and only doing what i want.

i love being true to myself and making the clearest choices i can.

i love not wasting my time and money on something that's just making everything more difficult.

i'm so proud that i finally made this decision and am sticking with it. it really gets easier all the time.